


It's Always Sunny On Election Night

by Bard



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 06:16:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8962084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bard/pseuds/Bard
Summary: None of them voted, but all of them have to live with the results.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [krisherdown](https://archiveofourown.org/users/krisherdown/gifts).



**_3 AM_ **

**_ON A WEDNESDAY_ **

 

Paddy’s ancient Panasonic flickered. Paddy’s owners watched.

_Click._

“Donald Trump has received 270 electoral votes and will be the next president of the United States—“

_Click._

“—confirmed, yes, it looks like as of this moment Donald Trump is now President-Elect—“

_Click._

“—I think anyone who bet against Mr. Trump tonight is going to be very disappointed—“

_Click._

The ancient Panasonic went silent, MUTE in the upper-right hand corner. Dennis set down the remote on the bar.

They sat in silence for a moment.

“Ho-ly _shit_.” Charlie leaned back on his stool, rubbing his eyes. “Is everyone else seeing this? Is this really happening? Because I ate some way old cat food last night and maybe I’m just—”

“It’s happening,” Dee growled, taking a long pull off her beer.

“Oh, man! This TV show is _amazing,_ dude! How did they get the Home Alone 2 guy _and_ Mrs. President _and_ Obama _and_ , and, and even the Philly Action News people, this is the greatest twist I’ve ever _seen!_ ”

Dennis put his head in his hands. “Charlie, Jesus, dude—”

“God _damn_ it!” Voice cracking with anguish, Mac knocked over his stool, leaned over the bar and grabbed the closest bottle of alcohol he could find. Dee tried to warn him it was only Apple Pucker, but it clearly didn’t matter, because Mac put away half the liqueur in three swallows and barely stopped to take a breath before getting to work on the rest.

“Mac, easy, it’s uh…” Dennis struggled for words. Mac hadn’t looked so upset since Von Hayes refused an offered hug outside Citizens Bank Park. “It’s gonna be okay, buddy.”

“No it’s not!” Mac slammed down the Pucker and reached for something else. Dennis shoved a bottle of cheap tequila into his hand before he could drink or destroy the only two or three bottles worth anything the bar. Mac yanked the cork, took a swig, and coughed. “Do you have any idea what—“ Another swig. “—what’s going to happen to me now? I’m scared, okay?”

Dee, partway through slamming down her beer, sputtered. She glared at him over the edge of her glass. “ _You’re_ scared? What the hell could possibly happen to you?”

“Look at that shit!” Mac shouted, pointing at the television. Protesters and counter-protestors were already assembling outside City Hall; the camera panned across a sea of jubilant faces under red Make America Great Again hats, then across a sea of faces full of fury and despair. “Trump wins, Republicans doing shit in Congress, and everyone’s gonna set their sights the rights of people like me!”

Everyone paused, watching Mac down more tequila, trying to process what he’d just said.

“People _like you?_ ” Dee repeated, setting down her beer. The gang leaned in, the election momentarily forgotten in light of a possible major revelation.

Charlie spoke. “Okay, dude, if you’re like trying to tell us something about yourself, we all pretty much know already—“

“Strong guys!” Mac interrupted, smacking the tequila bottle into his palm. “Guys with amazing—“ He gestured up and down his body, tugging on the edge of one cut-off sleeve. “—stuff going on all around here, they’re gonna look at someone like me and think I voted for that asshole and they’ll try to take my rights away!”

Dee gave Dennis a weary look; but he was staring at the bar, trying to concentrate on counting to ten. She looked to Charlie, who still stared at Mac, looking stunned.

“Holy shit. Those protesters might look at me too,” Charlie said. “ _Shit_ , dude, I’m like at least pretty, kind of strong looking! That’s not fair, I haven’t voted for President since last year!”

“You only get to vote for president once every four years, Charlie.”

“Huh?” Charlie blinked over at Dennis. “That can’t be right, I write a name down and put it in the mailbox every November.”

“That’s _…_ ” Dennis seethed, dragging his nails down the edge of the bar. “That’s not how you vote, man.”

“Well,” Charlie gave an awkward laugh. “Agree to disagree, okay? Maybe you vote for President one way and I vote for President another way—”

“ _There’s not more than one way to vote for President, Charlie!"_  

“GUYS!” Dee snapped. “Shut up, shut up, look at this!” She reached out, yanked away Mac’s bottle of tequila, and took a long pull before waving it towards the TV. Helicopter footage showed two rivaling groups of protestors all marching down the street. “That’s Dickenson, isn’t it? They’re marching right—“

“Towards us,” Dennis whispered.

“How do they already know we’re here?!” Charlie cried. “We, we gotta find a way to hide, Mac, how do I burn off all these muscles?”

“You can’t burn off muscles, Charlie!” Mac snapped. “We’ll just hide in the basement until they leave.”

“No, no.” Dennis started drumming his fingers on the bar, doing mental math, seeing dollar signs and seeing himself excluding his friends from those dollar signs. “We should get them in here. You see how many people there are out there? Happy people drink, angry people drink even more…”

The sound of chanting rose outside. Distant, but growing louder.

“We gotta find a way to get both those groups of assholes in here. We gotta find a way to be…neutral, or something.”

Dee leaned back against the bar, frowning at the ceiling. “Some dick everybody hates just won the presidency from some bitch everybody hates. America wants to kill itself right now. How could we possibly make this place neutral grounds?”

The gang looked at each other.

The gang got an idea.

 

**_“THE GANG SECEDES”_ **


End file.
